for⋅give⋅ness
1. act of forgiving, state of being forgiven.2. disposition or willingness to forgive.
Forgiveness is something that I've been thinking about a lot lately. I'm not sure that there is any rhyme or reason to this thinking lately but for whatever reason there are people in my life and in my past that I am no longer in contact with for a variety of reasons. I struggle with whether to forgive and forget or whether to simply move on and know that these people aren't in my life for a reason. Oftentimes I subscribe to the life is too short to carry a grudge mode of thinking. And while I do believe this... I've lost too many people in my life at too young of an age not to believe it. But in my mind there are different types of forgiveness and like everything else in this world, some types are easier to go through with then others.
Oftentimes I've turned to letter writing to get things off my chest. Most of the time I don't actually send the letter but find that the act of just writing the words on the page is enough to make me feel better. I have journals, notebooks, and drawers full of letters that I've written and never sent. Unfortunately, I don't think this writing but not sending campaign will work with forgiveness. I think in order to actually forgive and move on... you have to face your fears and face that person. I'm not saying letters, phone calls, and in this high tech age even emails aren't proper forms of communication for forgiveness. But what I am saying is that the person actually has to receive your forgiveness. You can't put it in a bottle and throw it into the waters of the Atlantic Ocean. It won't work...
Forgiving an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend for breaking your heart into a million pieces ranks high on my list of something tough to forgive. I'm not saying it's impossible and a lot of times it's in your best interest to forgive and move on but saying it and doing it are two very different things. Part of that type of forgiveness often means that you have to think about your role in the heart break and break up... there are usually two parties involved when things go bad. If you read self help books (I try to avoid them if at all possible) they'll tell you that in order for your next relationship to be healthy and productive, you need to have forgiven and moved on from the previous one. Makes sense but it's a lot easier to very quickly meet someone after a break up... skirting all feelings, emotion, and hurt to the back of your mind and heart to be quickly replaced by the freshness and excitement of a new relationship. From what I've seen, the old "issues" have a way of coming back without warning and many times, your new and fresh relationship is very quickly dampened with issues that were never resolved in your head and your heart.
Forgiving a former best friend for a betrayal, for hurting your feelings, and for sitting by and watching a long standing friendship disappear. Again, hard to swallow and maybe even harder to forgive then the ex-boyfriends or girlfriends. Do we have higher standards for forgiveness when it comes to our girlfriends? I believe that we like to think that our girlfriends should know better. And honestly, shouldn't they?
Don't they know that 30 years from now when we're all married and our children are grown it's not going to matter who got engaged first, who had the biggest ring, the richest husband, or the best house... it's going to be way more about who still keeps in touch and who still has the girlfriends from the old days to spend time with. I am proud to say that my group of close girlfriends includes people from elementary school, middle school, high school, college, and from where I work. Now some have moved away and some I'm not as close with as I once was but the core group hasn't wavered. And I like it that way. These girls know me... really know me. They've seen me at my worst (7th grade was NOT a good year) and I would like to think they've seen me at my best as well. They can tell stories that make me cringe, laugh, and cry. We've been through deaths, births, weddings, break ups, parents divorces, being away at college, vacations together, drunken nights, and everything in between.
Forgiving siblings and family members for insignificant squabbles, disagreements, or blunders over the years. This is an easy one. Forgive and forget... Most likely you'll be the one to make the blunder at the next family gathering. I can't stay long at my family members too long... This is where I DEFINITELY subscribe to life is way too short to hold a grudge. Nothing they do could make me stop loving them, supporting them, and spending time with them. Don't get me wrong, they drive me crazy but that's what being in a family is all about.
But on my list of hardest people to forgive has always been myself. I have always been and probably will always be my harshest critic. Why are we able to justify forgiving an ex-boyfriend who forced us to hide under the covers eating Ben and Jerry's for three weeks straight so much easier than forgiving ourselves for our errors over the years? Live and learn? Why yes, I think this is true. An educated and intelligent person is someone who learns from their mistakes and does better the next time. I'm educated, intelligent, and have learned from my mistakes. But can I forgive myself for them? Can you forgive yourselves for your mistakes?
I hold myself to such a high standard and am still chastising myself for mistakes and major errors in judgement that I made years ago. And when I sit down and think about it, I've always been this way. I'm not someone who worries too much about what others think about me. I may doubt my abilities at times but I consider myself a confident and independent woman. But I am someone who doesn't want to disappoint people... especially my friends and family.
So after deciding whether to forgive the ex-boyfriend who couldn't commit, the friend who dropped you for whatever reason, your brother for calling you fat at Thanksgiving dinner or your sister telling you she hates your hair, how do you come to terms with forgiving yourself for the mistakes of your youth and moving on with your life? I guess for me the key is that although each mistake has been painful, hard to swallow, and has had some serious consequences... I've learned, I've grown up, and I damn well won't make the same mistake twice.
Part of learning, growing, developing, and maturing is realizing that we all screw up. The same reasons we're so quick to forgive others for their shortcomings is the exact same reason we have to forgive ourselves. Just like the healthy relationship can't work if you're harboring resentment and issues towards your ex... your life can't be productive, healthy, or happy if you're harboring regret, fear, disappointment, and self-loathing feelings.
Forgive the people in your life that have wronged you.... Because when it comes down to it, no matter what they did to you or didn't do... life really is too short to hold a grudge.
But most importantly, forgive yourself. That's exactly what I plan on doing.
